Not good..

Everything's out of proportion. My world is distorted.

The kitchen floor is full of nebulas.
Time has slowed down, and then suddenly it goes really fast.
I have nightmares about things going wrong, but the things have already happened, months ago, and nothing went wrong then, and nothing can be changed.
I find myself staring at one point for minutes and minutes.
I want to scream and cry, but all I can manage is a few pathetic tears.
My motivation is below zero.

I don't want to.

I'm broken.
It's not the best time to be broken.

I am so scared.

Nights..

Why do I have to make the biggest decision at 2 am when I'm not clearly capable for decision at any time or place. This nights edition:

I already made myself a cup of tea so I could watch the next episode of DoctorWho, and then found out that it is a 2 part episode, and I probably could not watch them separately; I know I'm not ready to watch the two last episodes of 6th season right now, but I already made a cup of tea. AARGH. Do you see my problem? WHY?


Nope, not going to happen. That's too much emotional stress for one night. And I have work in the morning. Nope not going to happen. I'll just... do something else.
Like.. drink my tea. And tumblr. And play Temple Run until I fall asleep. Mmokay?! Yeah, sounds about right..

When it's quarter to one
and it's dark
and you switch on the light in the kitchen
and think of all the little creatures
and their beating hearts
as You
a dangerous creature for them
wake them from their
peaceful midnight lives

You switch on the light
and see how the little creatures
run and hide
you've disturbed their lives
just because
you wanted some ben and jerry's

And after you turned off the light again
and make your way through the empty house
you think

quarter to one in the night
is the time for
little crawling creatures
and people
who need ice-cream

The Book of Mormon

Today I'm in a musical mood (Because let's love mood swings from crying for scary future to dancing along cheesy musicals).
First off I started singing Phantom of The Opera... and almost sounding alright.
Then listening to incredible Les Mis chorus harmonies (that's the only thing I really like about LesMis.. Well, the chorus harmonies and Eponine..)

And now, I'm listening to The Book of Mormon. I've long know the musical exists  And I've probably listened to songs from it before, but a looong while ago. But now I'm listening to it while in the mood (which changes everything, obviously..)
It's sooo funny. I'm usually quite.. indifferent to religion. I don't think I believe in anything, I don't care if people believe in Someone/Something. As long as they keep it to themselves. Mormons are the most common reason for me to get annoyed about religion. You know how they go around cities, randomly starting a conversation with you or knocking on your door and just suddenly appearing in your living room (my dad let them in. WHY dad, WHY?!)
But well, this musical. Firstly, I relise it is probably REALLY offensive to Mormons and other religious people (I mean, sure mormons go around preaching, but so do other religious groups..) and it's really pointing out how silly it all is. But then it has the cheesiest harmonies and music solutions and what not... It's like a text book musical style. And I feel that it's mocking musicals too.. (I'm listening to it and all I want to do is tap dance and throw my legs one way and another, and do jazz-hands :P )
But it's soo freaking funny in a very inappropriate way. And another day I would really hate it all with all its cheesiness but today is the day I really appreciate it.

And all the modern cultural references, hehehe, have I told you that I love references. :D Yes, okay, I don't really have much to say about it.

Fear is a mind killer

The past half a year I've found myself constantly thinking about "the future". You know the moment after you've received the very important paper saying that you are know Bachelor of Arts. Yeah, that... EXTREMELY important...piece of paper. After which you should be much more responsivble and well.. a very grown-up paper. Making decisions. Choosing a future.
This.. i don't know responsibility? Scares me so much that I find myself having anxiety attacks or just crying in the middle of the night because I just don't know what I want to do. Where I want to be. I don't even know where I will be living after July. It's not that I don't have an accommodation or anything. It's that I don't even know which country I want to live in.
I'm so freaking scared.
I don't have myself figured out. I feel that I should have at least a clue of what I am. But I don't. And that's scary.
 Now as the graduation is only 3 months away I get a constant bombardment of questions like : "What will you do?" "Where will you go?" plus all sorts of expectations ("Oh, you obviously know everything about theatre now"). And I'm just always answering.. "I don't know." "I don't care." "I'll see where I'll be needed.." "I'll just go with the flow." and acting calm, while inside I'm just screaming and asking myself these same questions, not knowing what will happen.

And it's tearing me appart. And I'm scared. And I find myself struggling to do anything because I know that anything I'll do is bringing me closer to the "big finish" (I actually know that isn't that much of a big deal.. but somehow it still gets me). And I really, really don't want to make any decisions. Not yet. Not now. I'm not ready.