The past half a year I've found myself constantly thinking about "the future". You know the moment after you've received the very important paper saying that you are know Bachelor of Arts. Yeah, that... EXTREMELY important...piece of paper. After which you should be much more responsivble and well.. a very grown-up paper. Making decisions. Choosing a future.
This.. i don't know responsibility? Scares me so much that I find myself having anxiety attacks or just crying in the middle of the night because I just don't know what I want to do. Where I want to be. I don't even know where I will be living after July. It's not that I don't have an accommodation or anything. It's that I don't even know which country I want to live in.
I'm so freaking scared.
I don't have myself figured out. I feel that I should have at least a clue of what I am. But I don't. And that's scary.
Now as the graduation is only 3 months away I get a constant bombardment of questions like : "What will you do?" "Where will you go?" plus all sorts of expectations ("Oh, you obviously know everything about theatre now"). And I'm just always answering.. "I don't know." "I don't care." "I'll see where I'll be needed.." "I'll just go with the flow." and acting calm, while inside I'm just screaming and asking myself these same questions, not knowing what will happen.
And it's tearing me appart. And I'm scared. And I find myself struggling to do anything because I know that anything I'll do is bringing me closer to the "big finish" (I actually know that isn't that much of a big deal.. but somehow it still gets me). And I really, really don't want to make any decisions. Not yet. Not now. I'm not ready.
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