Elementary, second thoughts

The 2nd episode was much better, and Sherlocky, although I'd still just say that it's a vaguely Sherlock inspired show, and not based on it completely.

Also watching Da Vinci's Demons, loving it but hating the fact that there are only 8 episodes, which makes me not want to watch it, so I could spare it. But I think that's pure brilliance - mixing fact and fiction with such skill that it's almost impossible to distinguish between them. Special because it is da Vinci and as the genius he was, he could actually invent all the different things. Sometimes they go too far though, and the historical-accuracy-nazi in me goes "Really, would he REALLY do/say/think that during that period?" but it's not that often, and the overall genius of the show easily exceeds the mistakes.
Also their views of Italy (Florence, Rome) are so breathtaking that I just want to become an architect. Although, the views are often very obviously CGI. They've made the funny transition where the rooftops and the silhouettes of the cities are CGI, but the actors are also playing on sets built to resemble the cities + green screen, but the transition point is usually really obvious, and it's just.. weird-looking. Nonetheless - it's an amazing show!

Elementary

First of all, I'm back in Aber. Because I can't seem to sort out Bristol (I will eventually though..). Have seen the town fill with students, and feel kind of left out, because for the last 15years of my life I've been studying/going to school. I've been studying for more than half of my life. That's not an addiction/habit you can just toss away, and start a life of a grown-up and responsible person.
So what I've done is - I've watched TV, played games (lies, actually watched E play..), slept. That's pretty much it. In conclusion, I've done nothing. hurray.

Now, Elementary. I had my suspicions. They were true. I mean.. it isn't a bad show.. It's just, weird in the context of Sherlock Holmes. I get the idea of a modern Sherlock, but... that? "I googled it, not everything is deducible." Like the film version, which I like on its own weird way, I think the US TV series has taken the concept of Sherlock Holmes, and ripped it from everything that is Sherlocky, and left the things that 'the people want to see' - 'an awkward unsociable madman solving crimes', 'the anti-hero'. or something. I don't even know exactly.
It reminds me of House MD. Let's make the worst annoying guy a genius, who makes loads of mistakes before he comes to a conclusion that comes to them through a random everyday activity/situation.
Mind you, I've only seen the pilot episode, maybe I'm not the best person to discuss this...and maybe I'm just a bit annoyed that US did a show about Sherlock so closely after the British show had started.
But I think it plays too much on todays youths obsession with awkwardness and disorders like OCD, leaving out or at least..not paying too much attention to the knowledge and power of deduction..
I don't have a real opinion of Watson, yet. I think it's interesting that she is portrayed as a woman. But it kind of bugs me that she doesn't have an military record (or maybe I just don't know yet and it's covered in later episodes?), and that she is assigned to look after Sherlock. And she's clever. I mean.. John Watson has always been clever (well not the brightest of the pencils but..he usually has his moments).. but with this portrayal of Watson I'm kind of expecting her to do the deducing and solving as she seems more 'on it' than Sherlock.. Maybe it's just because I'm not the biggest fan of Johnny Lee Miller.. Who knows..
All in all.. It might turn out to be quite a likable show for me, if I manage to forget that it's supposed to have its roots in the Sherlock Holmes' stories.

For a better day

I have nothing to say. Just wanted to share this dude with the world.

Enjoy your day!

For the last two days I've just eaten a few pancakes and the cheesecake I made.
I've grown into a responsible adult, can you tell, with sensible ideas of healthy eating and stuff. Hurray for me!

Also, yesterday a spent a day with an extrovert, and today I'm so freaking tired, I just want to die and/or sleep endlessly.

Home, sweet home?

I'm finally back in Estonia. After 11 months, I'm back. I've been home like what..5 days? And I'm sick and tired of it. Parents. "Big" city. Transport. I don't like these things.
I kind of having my own room with my stuff that is all there, and not just..you know.. temporarily. I don't have to think about packing it all up and leaving. (okay, I kind of do, but most of it still stays there, forever.) (forever is a long time...)
But there's no 24h Spar or any kind of shops closer than 40 minutes to walk (13 with a bike, and like 3 with a car).. But I just can't step out and walk everywhere (I could but it would take forever).
It's always like that when I'm home. I feel like everything is too far away. I never have a problem with walking for days in London.. or walking around Bristol or Paris or any other big city or town or whatnot. In Tallinn, I just can't, I don't know what it is, but I just can't.

When at home I don't want to do anything. These 5 days I've been just made myself home on the kitchen sofa. Living online. All the food near me which is the worst thing in life, I think. We have a sofa in our kitchen, the most comfortable sofa in our house, mind you. Obviously I just sit here and just..eat.  I've seen two of my friends but just because they've come to me. If I would've had to go somewhere.... basically, it would've never happened.

I had made plans of going for a jog and stuff.. But I kind of feel that as soon as I step out of the house I'll be judged.. "Where're you going? Why? Why are jogging? Why?WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?"
So by day 5 I've already just shut myself down. I've started to ignore my mum or just listen to her  in silence, and leave once she's finished talking. It's horrible but it always happens. With my mum specially. Everything she says just annoys me soo much. It might be just normal mum talk or a you know just "How was your day?" kind of thing but it's SO annoying. It's weird. I don't even know why. But I can never answer her normally, I have to be sarcastic and mean.


Brother came home today, I missed him. Miss my sister too. Never before have I missed them. 11months. I guess even I start missing people.

Firstly, I don't understand why people are so upset for Matt Smith leaving DW? I mean, that's what this show is all about - change. Or have I understood it wrong? And, he has been there forever already.. I mean, poor Eccleston only got 1 season. (I'm probably disliking 11 more because he didn't change companions like 10 did.. and it got really repetitive, I'm enjoying 11 and Clara though..)

Secondly, I have a love-hate relationship with searching for houses. It'd be all nice and stuff when I wouldn't be searching them for 3 other people, if it where just my choice. And if I actually knew anything about Bristol, which I don't, ha. And I'm actually really surprised that the searching responsibility has been mine, I never take lead in any group things, I hate leading people, urgh.

Thirdly, I'm freaking out because of jobs. Like. I feel like I don't know ANYTHING about theatre. N kept saying (ages ago though, and to be fair he hasn't seen anything I've done this year, so he really shouldn't have said anything..) (also I'm disappointed that he left Aber without saying anything to me, cool dude, very cool) how I could easily get a job in a college or uni's technical team. DUDE, I know nothing. NOTHING. And I really feel like working in theatre isn't something you can learn from a textbook, it has to be actual experience, and so far, I haven't seen any job offers in Bristol. Which kind of wants me to just go and say: "Oy, dudes and dudette, sorry, but I'm not coming, I'm going to London instead". But then I find myself thinking that I'll end up in London anyway, sooner or later.. That's where everything theatre is in UK, and you can't help yourself not ending up in London if you want any work in theatre. So maybe it's better that I'm in Bristol. Maybe I won't get a job in theatre, well at least not straight away, but I'm close to everywhere, and I can experiment, and yeah.
I'm very scared of the future. Very.

The Moon Hide

Finished my last scenography project in uni. LAST. And I feel nothing. But I like being with scenographers. We almost form a little weird family (can't ever compare with FallingSilenters though, there's too much whining and bitching for my liking). And it's also the first time in ages that I'm actually surrounded by only British people, meaning I don't have any chance to speak Estonian (because I always end up with a few Estonians, somehow), and I think my English is improved loads in these two weeks. I can actually maybe talk normally.

Also, I've been so much more social during these two weeks than I have this whole uni year. Improvements.
Going out and stuff. And Rosa let me taste her drink, and I might've actually found a drink that actually almost tastes quite alrighty.
Also. I have the tendency to mirror the people around me. So if people around me are drunk, I act drunk (without drinking anything) or if they start being really loud then I do that too. Or sometimes I'm the complete opposite. And just shut down completely. Just sit back and watch. And wonder How?

And more about scenography. It's... weird? or interesting? how none of the tutors and markers like my Moon. But most random visitors or other lecturers from uni or all the scenographers seem to really like it. (Or they just say that because I was standing before my Moon Hide, and you can't come out with out seeing me, and most people don't go "Yeah, whatever it was shit") So, I'm really confused. But I don't think I'll get a good mark for it. Which is kind of a shame because I had the chance to get a 1st overall, but I don't think it's going to happen now. (I don't mind, but it would've been really nice..)

Yeah. It's weird that it's over now. Last week, and beginning of this week my only wish was that it would be over. But I don't think I realised then that it's actually the last uni work in ever. And it kind of makes me sad. And scared, because I don't know what will happen next.

Spoilers

"The Name of The Doctor"

More of that..

This season of DW is quite..boring...but exciting at the same time..
Like the ghost one, what was it called.. Eeemh, Hide! had that quality that season like 3 had. Where I have to stop the episode every once in a while just to relax for a second. Too much tension to watch in one go.

And now I'm on the latest episode. The episode that ACTUALLY and really aired today. That's really weird. And after I've seen it.. what then? I have to wait a week like normal people to see the next episode. That's a bit rubbish... But I'll do it anyway. Because..at least I don't have to do anything that actually needs doing.

I hate weeping angels with a passion.
But to have "weeping" cherubs is just silly.
Or to have "weeping" you know.. Statue of Liberty.
Because we'd all be dead, wouldn't we? Because, to quote a previous episode "That which holds the image of an Angel becomes an Angel" or something.
Or is this a paradox because everyone would constantly be transported back in time? Constantly. Well.. until you blink that is..



But Oh, Clara is fascinating.
Mystery.
The Christmas Episode was... Was almost as good as like what season 2 or something was.. When there wasn't just storytelling/plain action until during the last 10 minutes Doctor magically fixes everything.
And then we went on to Bells of St John, and it was the same old thing again.  But still, Great Intelligence becomes the new BadWolf (and to be fair, I still don't completely know what BadWolf was about.. I kind of do, but you know.. Blergh?!)
I'm excited.
That's the bad thing with DoctorWho. You can't be completely oblivious to it. I mean.. You can't JUST watch it. It is a very cleverly written show (even if you'd like to protest, quite often..) but it has hints. All over the place. And whether you want it or not, sooner or later you'll pick some of them up, and then it intrigues you, and you need to keep watching. In hopes that these clues will make up a picture in the end. (No matter how humanly impossible it might be in the end... )

Across the universe

"How did she get in?"
"She came in through the bathroom window"

And I lose my shit every time.

You clever film, you clever, clever film.

It's actually not a good-Good film. I mean, there's no exceptional acting or singing or anything. Just quite an usual love story accompanied by Beatles music. And amazing soundscapes and sound editing. Enough to make me watch it over and over again (Alright, I mostly just skip to the songs because... Beatles and sound editing...)


Sometimes, I'd like to go across the universe. Right to the other end. And become one with the rock, ice and gas giants. And the light that I would shine, would be from the past. No one could ever catch up with me. They'd always be late. Always.

Not good..

Everything's out of proportion. My world is distorted.

The kitchen floor is full of nebulas.
Time has slowed down, and then suddenly it goes really fast.
I have nightmares about things going wrong, but the things have already happened, months ago, and nothing went wrong then, and nothing can be changed.
I find myself staring at one point for minutes and minutes.
I want to scream and cry, but all I can manage is a few pathetic tears.
My motivation is below zero.

I don't want to.

I'm broken.
It's not the best time to be broken.

I am so scared.

Nights..

Why do I have to make the biggest decision at 2 am when I'm not clearly capable for decision at any time or place. This nights edition:

I already made myself a cup of tea so I could watch the next episode of DoctorWho, and then found out that it is a 2 part episode, and I probably could not watch them separately; I know I'm not ready to watch the two last episodes of 6th season right now, but I already made a cup of tea. AARGH. Do you see my problem? WHY?


Nope, not going to happen. That's too much emotional stress for one night. And I have work in the morning. Nope not going to happen. I'll just... do something else.
Like.. drink my tea. And tumblr. And play Temple Run until I fall asleep. Mmokay?! Yeah, sounds about right..

When it's quarter to one
and it's dark
and you switch on the light in the kitchen
and think of all the little creatures
and their beating hearts
as You
a dangerous creature for them
wake them from their
peaceful midnight lives

You switch on the light
and see how the little creatures
run and hide
you've disturbed their lives
just because
you wanted some ben and jerry's

And after you turned off the light again
and make your way through the empty house
you think

quarter to one in the night
is the time for
little crawling creatures
and people
who need ice-cream

The Book of Mormon

Today I'm in a musical mood (Because let's love mood swings from crying for scary future to dancing along cheesy musicals).
First off I started singing Phantom of The Opera... and almost sounding alright.
Then listening to incredible Les Mis chorus harmonies (that's the only thing I really like about LesMis.. Well, the chorus harmonies and Eponine..)

And now, I'm listening to The Book of Mormon. I've long know the musical exists  And I've probably listened to songs from it before, but a looong while ago. But now I'm listening to it while in the mood (which changes everything, obviously..)
It's sooo funny. I'm usually quite.. indifferent to religion. I don't think I believe in anything, I don't care if people believe in Someone/Something. As long as they keep it to themselves. Mormons are the most common reason for me to get annoyed about religion. You know how they go around cities, randomly starting a conversation with you or knocking on your door and just suddenly appearing in your living room (my dad let them in. WHY dad, WHY?!)
But well, this musical. Firstly, I relise it is probably REALLY offensive to Mormons and other religious people (I mean, sure mormons go around preaching, but so do other religious groups..) and it's really pointing out how silly it all is. But then it has the cheesiest harmonies and music solutions and what not... It's like a text book musical style. And I feel that it's mocking musicals too.. (I'm listening to it and all I want to do is tap dance and throw my legs one way and another, and do jazz-hands :P )
But it's soo freaking funny in a very inappropriate way. And another day I would really hate it all with all its cheesiness but today is the day I really appreciate it.

And all the modern cultural references, hehehe, have I told you that I love references. :D Yes, okay, I don't really have much to say about it.

Fear is a mind killer

The past half a year I've found myself constantly thinking about "the future". You know the moment after you've received the very important paper saying that you are know Bachelor of Arts. Yeah, that... EXTREMELY important...piece of paper. After which you should be much more responsivble and well.. a very grown-up paper. Making decisions. Choosing a future.
This.. i don't know responsibility? Scares me so much that I find myself having anxiety attacks or just crying in the middle of the night because I just don't know what I want to do. Where I want to be. I don't even know where I will be living after July. It's not that I don't have an accommodation or anything. It's that I don't even know which country I want to live in.
I'm so freaking scared.
I don't have myself figured out. I feel that I should have at least a clue of what I am. But I don't. And that's scary.
 Now as the graduation is only 3 months away I get a constant bombardment of questions like : "What will you do?" "Where will you go?" plus all sorts of expectations ("Oh, you obviously know everything about theatre now"). And I'm just always answering.. "I don't know." "I don't care." "I'll see where I'll be needed.." "I'll just go with the flow." and acting calm, while inside I'm just screaming and asking myself these same questions, not knowing what will happen.

And it's tearing me appart. And I'm scared. And I find myself struggling to do anything because I know that anything I'll do is bringing me closer to the "big finish" (I actually know that isn't that much of a big deal.. but somehow it still gets me). And I really, really don't want to make any decisions. Not yet. Not now. I'm not ready.

A year in photos

I finally, FINALLY finished compiling my 366 photos of 2012.
Three months later.
Better late than never, right?

Anyways, you can see these photos here : 366e.tumblr.com

ALL the things

I'm horrible. I love people. People who do things what they like and are talented and excited about their thing. And I hate them. Hate them sooo much. F* talented people, why are you so f* talented.
The worst is that I get extremely excited when people are excited about their thing what ever it'd be - music, science, biology, history, theatre. If people love the thing they share information about - I start loving it.

It's a good thing in a way.. But the thing is... seeing people being excited about a range of different things makes it really hard for me.. because.. I freaking get really excited as well. I want to do EVERYTHING. And too much is always bad. That's why I have an extremly hard time deciding what I want to do with my life - because at different points in my life people have made me excited about a range of things. Some times these.. interests? kind of fade away, but their are still there, so if anything/anyone sparks up the interest again, I'm gone.. Gone to the world of fangirling over...physics..for example.

Like when I was 15, I had the most amazing art history teacher, who really knew what she was talking about, and had a personal connection with everything she was teaching us that just vibrated through to me. I loved art history. I wanted to study art history, I was a straight A student in that class because it became so easy to understand and remember.
Or our biology teacher who really loved biology and geography. And it was so exciting to learn how freaking..I don't know.. deer migrate and why and whatnot, just because she really enjoyed it.

Or like watching prof Brian Cox talking about physics. All I want to do is physics! because you know.. space and laws and beauty and formulas and things you can learn by knowing things about completely different things... Like my favourite law that says that all the energy levels of all the atoms are slightly different, so if you change the energy level of one atom, the WHOLE UNIVERSE has to alter its energy levels slightly.. You boil water and the WHOLE UNIVERSE (do you even understand the concept of the whole universe? I probably don't) changes. Or another favourite of mine: The second law of Newton - Energy cannot be created or destroyed it just transforms from one form to another (I'm paraphrasing..). You know what that means? That the energy that was released billions of year ago, during the Big Bang, is the same energy that is in motion today. Energy is eternal. How beautiful thought is that? Every time I see Brian Cox on TV, talking about physics, I get so excited I just want to jump up and down, get more knowledge, spread the excitement about physics and hug him, because he is so excited, and it makes me so happy.

Then there's theatre. But that makes me excited in so many different levels, I really shouldn't even start. And as it is what I'm studying I'll most probably (hopefully?) start working in that area.  But.. What do i want to do with theatre? Sometimes I have an urge to act. Then sometimes I think I'd like to direct. And then we have all the technical side of everything. Stage Management. Lighting. Sound. Props. Costume etcetcetc. I want to do a bit of everything, and I know I can't, but I can't make a decision. Plus I still think I don't know enough on any subject to actually work on any of these.

Or today I found another person. Gareth Malone.. you know the guy who forms choirs in the most unusual places. All I want to do right now is to conduct. Or sing. Or both. Like it's almost 6am, and I finished watching an 1,5 hour long interview with him, and I'm soo excited about choral music (well, to be fair, it's always been a weakness of mine.. HARMONIES, I get goosebumps) and I just want to go somewhere gather a group of people, and do breathing exercises, make large and tiny faces and sing songs, and.. ARHSKvsdkgldkflhöldf. YES, PLEASE. And watching the interview I'd just make noises once in a while because he just... the love for music just pours out of him...and I try to catch every little tiny bit of it, and it's never possible.. and after a few days of excitement I'll calm down and enter a sad period because I don't know what I want to do with my life.
And I feel the pressure every day. More and more as the countdown to graduation is shortening (is that even a way to say this???). And once again I'm thrown into the deep seas of life, and I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I'm quite scared.

And it wasn't supposed to end on that kind of..depressive note..
mainly it's about how much I love people who love what they do. I do hope that some day I can say that about whatever I end up doing.

One Acts and Theatre Spaces

(It's going well with blogging in English, isn't it?)

Another spring comes with another Broad-Ways OneActs Festival. 8 short plays during one evening. Theatre making heaven and hell all combined.
I didn't really want to talk about the Festival that much.. i was just.. comparing the two OneActs I've been part of. And how different it is (or is it?)

Last year I was a performer in two of the plays (huzzaaah for non-existent but apparently somewhat existent acting skills..) and this year I was a lighting technician.
And now, when it's all over, I'm just thinking... that you can experience theatre in so many different ways/levels.
Chatting away in the green room, doing make-up, getting nervous before stepping on the stage, wishing you'd remember all your lines and blocking.
Sitting in the box, in the darkness, with just a bit of light to see the Book and see your cues, pressing GO, being ready to change in case of emergency, occasional chatting on cans.

It's really weird. Two different worlds in theatre. Each essential for the existence of the other. And then on the night colliding with the third world of the audience.

It is actually quite obvious, isn't it. But I just realised that I've lived through both of the experiences (sadly not the third one because during my first year I had something at the same time with OneActs and I couldn't go to see it..).

But what's also interesting for me is the difference between the spaces. Last year OneActs was held in Morland Centre, which is a.. community hall thingy? whilst this year it was in Arad Goch - a professional theatre space. Because last year it was basically one big room, and a side-room which served as green room; there was the feeling of a community, of a Broad-Ways Sociaty community. Techies chilled with actors, directors where present etc. This year I felt more... detached. I was stuck in my box, and went backstage only a few times.. It's probably just me because I'm lazy enough not too be bothered to get down the stairs and what not.. So this year.. I felt there was more of a division - Actors belong to the green room, directors are not allowed because there isn't enough space anyway, techies in the box or in the backstage corridor area.

It's nothing new. Just...new to me I guess? As being in the box is actually quite a new thing for me, getting used to the isolation (again, it's probably just me being antisocial..).